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Coming soon – Cooters!

Casino solves turtle problem
Anti-casino forces were heartened by reports that a rare turtle occupies the site of the proposed Mashpee Wampanoag casino proposed for Middleboro Massachusetts.

Opponents of the Mashpee Wampanoag tribe’s plan for a resort casino in Middleborough have found a potential ally in their bid to block the project. Weighing in at 10 pounds and favoring naps in the sun, it is the northern red-bellied cooter, a turtle that is listed on both state and federal endangered species lists.,

Anti-casino elation was cut short when Tribal spokesman Scott Fearsome outlined the tribes plans to deal with this bump on the road toward the casino – which we all know is inevitable.

Cooters anyone?
Fearsome explained the problem and solution in terms that anyone could understand:

Being stewards of the land, the tribe has known about this turtle all along. In fact, Glenn Marshall tells a very charming antidote from his hunter-gatherer days when he accidentally served Bald Eagle kabobs and Cooter soup to a representative the EPA. He gets a laugh at parties with that old chestnut to this day.

We can’t build the casino and save the turtles too. Fortunately there are a couple of other locations where a few of these beasties are clinging to life. The turtles on the Middleboro site will go to that great wetland in the sky. We will host an innovative restaurant with a focus on educating the public about the few remaining red-bellied cooters in the rest of the state. We will name the restaurant in honor of the turtles – Cooters.

Ode to the red-bellied cooter
Cooters restaurant will be styled after the popular “Hooters” chain but with a twist. The waitresses uniforms will consist of turtle shell tops similar in concept to the shells adorning the bosoms of the legendary mermaid. These shells will come from actual red-bellied cooters killed by the construction of the Mashpee Wampanoag Resort Casino.

The restaurant will be festooned with attractive coasters with the inspirational environmental slogan “Save Cooters”. The restaurant will also feature turtle soup, souvenir turtle shell ashtrays – which will come in very hand since smoking is allowed in the facility. Children will be able to purchase exciting teenage mutant ninja cooter costumes.

Fearsome explained “This is truly a tasteful ode to the red-bellied cooter that is consistent with the tasteful style of our entire resort. While we regret the loss of one of the last remaining pockets of these creatures – we believe that our info-tainment will raise awareness and save the rest of the turtle population. This public education campaign is sorely needed since CasinoFacts.org has plans to exterminate the entire population of red-bellied cooters.”

This inspiring solution to a vexing problem is truly an example of casino developers doing it right.

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  1. Gladys Kravitz
    January 19th, 2008 at 17:25 | #1

    Jinkies, Bumpkin! Now they’re going to have to pay you for the copyrights!

    But hey, you might want to consider adding a massive stained glass Cooter centerpeice to the middle of the restaurant – you know, to give it some more credibility. (Not to mention to show some respect for the dead…)

  2. Anonymous
    January 19th, 2008 at 17:46 | #2

    Up until this one you were doing awsome.
    Joking in this way is not your style, LOL!
    Leave that stuff to Gladys she is a lot better.
    Your better sticking to your serious style.
    Just my observation.
    Keep up the good work.
    Mrlimo

  3. Bellicose Bumpkin
    January 19th, 2008 at 19:08 | #3

    Aww,, Mr. Limo – just when I was calling for more respect between pro and con you have to go and launch this unprovoked vicious attack – a new low in the casino debate.

    I’m hurt.

    And kidding.

    How about my “Davey Jones Attacks Middleboro” ? that was funny.

    I’ve polled all my pro-casino friends and they all think I’m funny. Please.. please tell me I’m funny.
    :)

  4. carverchick
    January 19th, 2008 at 19:21 | #4

    Bumpkin….your funny!

    I am sure that Stinkerbell Fearsome will also explain how Cooters will be built green…keeping up with that respect for the dead theme and all.

  5. Bellicose Bumpkin
    January 19th, 2008 at 19:27 | #5

    Thanks carverchick – See Mr. Limo.

    Put that in your casino and smoke it.

  6. Anonymous
    January 19th, 2008 at 20:20 | #6

    Now that Scott sure comes up with some great ideas! You just gotta hand it to him!

    Well, we don’t know what you gotta hand to him, but ……

    Anyone know anything about the bobcat that was hit on route 44 in Carver? Is this their habitat?

  7. Anonymous
    January 20th, 2008 at 08:43 | #7

    Very Funny indeed. On a serious note. The Wetland protection act calls for a 100 yard buffer zone around wetlands mapped for endangered species. Since the casino site is largely wetland, how are the investors going to pay their way, oops…. I mean pave their way around this one??

    I hear Glenn Marshall and Stinkerbelle are reviving an aincent Wampanoag war dance called the “Turtle Stomp”.

  8. carverchick
    January 20th, 2008 at 10:09 | #8

    anonymous,

    you bring up a good point…I could be wrong here, but I thought the buffer in this State was 150 feet.

  9. Scott from Lakeville
    January 20th, 2008 at 11:48 | #9

    If the land gets put into trust wouldn’t the classification of “Wetlands” be forgotten just like the Red Belly Cooter?

    Scott

    Who was responsible for finding the cooters in the first place?

  10. Mrlimo08
    January 20th, 2008 at 12:33 | #10

    From the Philly Playbook. sugarhouse Casino they had the same problem. If any cooters are found they have to be moved to a livable site.
    Construction cannnot disturb breeding.
    DEP will watch over construction phases to ensure federal guide lines are followed.

    Our little friends and fish bait will be protected.

  11. Anonymous
    January 20th, 2008 at 17:32 | #11

    The current natural heritage map online doesn’t include the casino land as endangered habitat. All around it is mapped. This could be a ploy designed by casino backers and their supporters (the globe) to take our eyes off other issues. Be carefull!! They are getting desperate.

  12. Scott from Lakeville
    January 21st, 2008 at 12:19 | #12

    To MrLimo

    Are the Wampanoags going to move the turtles to Mashpee?

    Anon are you suggesting this is a hoax?

  13. carverchick
    January 21st, 2008 at 21:22 | #13

    But Mr Limo…what about the water willow stem borer? That moth is considered “threatened” and is located on the proposed casino — I think it might be more difficult to find, catch and relocate moths. Much harder say, than turtles or pink elephants.

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